Feeling a little... "Wahn Wahn"

Have you ever wondered why in the times that you're the most down, the only thing that soothes you is thinking that people, somewhere else in the world, or maybe even a few minutes away, are even more down than you are?

Thinking that many people all over the world have it worse than you may for some be something that upsets them. For me, it's comforting. Of course I don't mean this in a sick and twisted hate-the-world kind of way, but in the sense that no matter how bad things get for me or my family, things could ALWAYS be worse. My sister and I could have been sold into prostitution as children, I could have become an orphan and forced to scrounge for food in the gutters, I could have been born with 1 arm, 1 leg and a crooked smile and forced to work as a member of a Freak Show. I respect the people that live through times as awful as these (or worse) and it makes me feel proud to be a member of the human race. Perseverance in the face of sadness, doubt, pain or struggle is something that we as people have been able to succeed at and you know what? That's a pretty cool thing. Perhaps that's why dinosaurs are extinct... they just gave up on life.

In class the other day we were talking about death and dying as being mildly equivalent to a break-up. The argument was that in both situations people have to grieve. More often than not there are tears, anger of some sort, a desire to make things better and a period of time where you just don't and can't feel like "yourself". Having to deal with both the probability of a death of a loved one in the near future and a break up in the same week, I can say that I find myself agreeing with this comparison.

At times I feel as though I can't differentiate one sadness from the other - they are melded together in some sort of cruel hybrid that tortures me whether I'm awake or asleep. I'd like to think that at some point the cancer will just disappear and the relationship will mend but in reality what will probably happen is yes, the cancer will disappear... and so will the human it devours along the way; the relationship will mend but into a friendship where the only sign of past intimacy will be a "remember when" story. Are these bad things? Not necessarily. Both could be great - someone no longer has pain and I'd gain a friendship and learn from a wonderful life experience. On the other hand, the pain could be stretched out for years and the breakup could lead to the awkward nod (you know the one I speak of) as you pass by them on the street or in a building.

Really, I would just rather have neither situation percolate into my everyday life...

Gosh I'm glad I skipped a pubcrawl tonight to get to bed early - it clearly has done a lot of good.

Wahn wahn.